Merry Christmas – 2021

COVID year 2 has mostly been more normal than year 1.  I wish I could get videos into this letter (a lot of the year was on Zoom) but I can find text messages!  Which became our connective tissue even more than it was before.  Thusly, welcome to a glimpse of 2021 via the Meyer Family text chat.  <Author’s note: C2 = Little Christian.  The youngest.  Who gets away with murder.>

GRIFFIN:  Help.  My eyes are different sizes.

COOPER:  Griffin, are you drunk?

BEN:  Are you talking about your pupils or your eyeballs?

GRIFFIN:  I am not drunk.  Sometimes my mind goes at its unheard of speed when I am very tired.

COOPER:  Unheard of meaning slow, lost and meandering?

GRIFFIN:  You are underestimating my mind brother.  I’m at my most alert when I’m not alert. 

BEN:  You’re not that alert.

GRIFFIN:  Dad, is it true that the difference of eye sizes gets more obvious as you get older?

DAD:  Sometimes.  You can end up with one pumpkin eye and one like a grape.  It just makes you look surprised.

GRIFFIN:  I look like a Picasso painting.

____________________

BEN:  I am getting pulled over in town center for an expired registration.

POLLY:  What?!

DAD:  Exciting!

BEN:  Really helpful.

C2:  Ben now has a criminal record!

GRIFFIN:  A criminal mastermind!

C2:  Ben is a gangsta!

BEN:  I don’t think I am related to you people.

__________________

COOPER:  Ben, Griffin, Christian.  I love you all.  But there comes a time when a line needs to be drawn.  My biggest pet peeve.  In the whole world.  Is when one of you locks the outside bathroom door to go to the bathroom when we have TWO doors, one SPECIFICALLY built so that you can go to the bathroom AND I can put my retainer away or brush my teeth.  There is literally no reason to lock the outside door when you can lock the INSIDE one.  It is an extremely selfish act by you all and I am owed an apology.

GRIFFIN:  The back portion of the bathroom makes me clausterphobic.

BEN:  I refuse.

GRIFFIN:  I need space. 

BEN:  OMG.

GRIFFIN:  It’s too cramped in there.  And the lighting!  I need sunlight.

COOPER:  Dude.  You are not a plant.

GRIFFIN:  I need to grow and thrive and if the door isn’t open I feel like a bat.

__________________

COOPER:  I Just want to gloat in the fact that we watched the first movie in this household that everybody enjoyed.  And I chose it.  Because we didn’t have the tampering minds of dad, mom and ben and their very interesting movie choices.  COOPER:  And in case there is any doubt, “very interesting” means “not interesting”. 

COOPER: Mom “Let’s watch the elephant documentary” Meyer.  Dad “Oh! This is such a classic!” Meyer.  And Ben “This is a good movie.  Seriously – it’s anime.” Meyer.

DAD:  Oh, you think you can do so much better?

COOPER:  The bar is not high.

COOPER:  I can pretty acurately forecast our evening:

Mom:  What movie should we watch?  Can we decide on one before we turn on the TV so we don’t spend an hour looking for one?

Dad: ooh ooh have you seen <insert some horrendous movie title>.

Mom: That’s a horrible movie.

Me:  How about Saving Private Ryan?

C2:  YES!

Mom:  No!  Cooper what is wrong with you?  I can’t watch that.
The boys:  “what about this movie”  Boys agree on movie

Mom and/or Dad complains.

Mom and/or Dad recommends a movie no one wants to watch.

The boys reluctantly agree, tired of arguing.

Mom and/or Dad yell at boys for looking at their phones during their “fantastic/classic/educational” movie.  Meanwhile, they both have their laptops on their lap.

Mom, 20 min into the movie on which she had a firm say in, says “I think I need to go to bed.  It’s too late.  I got up so early this morning.”

10 more minutes and we all turn to see Dad with his head back and mouth wide open, sound asleep.

__________________

POLLY:  Cooper you kind of looked like a little swedish man when you were little.  <note: Cooper is currently studying abroad in Stockholm.  Looking not dissimilar> 

__________________

GRIFFIN: Ugh.  So I am walking with the dogs and of course Mrs. Evans comes by with her dog and I had to race back for class and our dogs wanted to play.

COOPER:  I just walked into the kitchen.  Griffin is on zoom for his class.  And holding a bag full of poop.  From his walk with the dogs.  In the kitchen.

__________________

GRIFFIN:  Hithertofore I will be taking complete and tyrannical control of the household until I pass.

BEN: Mmm hmmm.

COOPER:  Griffin. I shall sit on you like a grape.

GRIFFIN: Ahh Coopré! You must succumb to my rule. And the first sweep of my pen shall be to claim the bathroom as my dominion.  Until 8am!!

C2:  Griffin NO!  You take forever ALREADY.

COOPER:  Griffin.  You go last.

GRIFFIN:  Nope.  I refuse to comply.

C2:  Griffin is definitely lying around picking belly button lint out of his tummy right now.

GRIFFIN:  Lies!

BEN:  Christian, are you on the toilet?

C2:  Maybe.

POLLY: Are you seriously texting the rest of us on the toilet?

C2:  Maybe

__________________

C2:  Cooper, the doctor said I am gonna be taller than you.  He checked your chart.  And I am projected to be taller.  You are a pea.

COOPER:  No.  That is not happening.

C2:  When you had your 13 yr old visit you were 5’5” and I am 5’6 and ½ inches.  And you were 98 lbs and I am 110 lbs.

COOPER: You will always be mini me.

C2: Hate to break it to you but you are just the rough draft.

COOPER:

__________________

BEN: So Maggie wanted to come inside but she had something in her mouth.  I pry it out.  I am holding a dead bird.  In my hand. #%&@^.

C2:  I told you she would get it.

BEN: I told you guys to shovel it in the woods.  Because I agreed with you that she would get it.

COOPER:  Griffin, why did you wrap the dead bird in gift wrap?

GRIFFIN: We were out of garbage bags.

__________________

POLLY:  GRIFFIN!  OMG.  This was on the school Instagram account.  Is this your parking job?!?!

C2:  Griffin, you are so busted.

BEN:  Griffin, you have a Meyer brand to uphold!  It looks like the car drifted on its own into the parking lot.

COOPER:  Hahahahahaha. That’s awesome.

GRIFFIN:  I am falsely accused!!  I demand this libilous frivolity and fake news be retracted!!

POLLY:  That’s our license plate.

GRIFFIN:  I am sure I straightened it out.

POLLY:  You are tying your shoe.

__________________

<sigh>.  I draw some solace that statistically they are more related to each other than they are to me. At this exact moment Ben is living in Boston.  Cooper comes home from Sweden on Friday.  Griffin is wooing colleges.  Christian has size 13 feet.  Polly’s startup LivingConcord just earned more followers than the town it promotes!  And I enjoy showing up to child sporting events in head to toe foul weather gear.  Including Griffin’s squash matches.  We certainly miss you and can’t wait for the next chance to give you big hugs in person!

Happy holidays!

Love  –

Christian, Polly, Ben (23), Cooper (20), Griffin (17), Christian (13), Riley dog (7), Maggie dog (2).

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