9:05 Dad, for the love of God
9:07 Dad, you are killing me
9:15 OMG. In the name of all that is holy. What? You are making me feel like I have a defibrillator in my pocket.
9:16 What time are you picking me up?
9:16 Am I supposed to pick you up?
9:16 Oh my lord Dad
9:17 Who is this?
9:19 Alright. Will be there in 20 min.
9:28 You haven’t left the house. I am looking at Find my iPhone and you are still at the house.
9:29 For the love of Pete. Is Henry’s house on fire or something?
9:30 I am leaving.
9:49 OMG you are driving me insane.
9:49 You were supposed to be here 20 min ago.
9:50 Bah!! When I get there you had better be outside.
I get there. Nobody. Call Cooper. I am pretty sure these devices actually allow you to speak. No answer.
9:59 You have 1 minute
10:00 30 seconds
10:00 15 seconds
10:00 I am starting the car
10:01 I am backing out of the driveway
10:01 I am backing out and then I am going to run over your phone.
Cooper jumps in the car. Silence. We look at each other.
“I didn’t know you were here.”
My phone vibrates. I look down. From Polly.
2:32 10 TED videos you should watch before you die
3:04 Don’t forget to call the door guy
4:19 The Heritage bill is overdue
“How come you don’t return any of my texts?”
On the train. Alone. Peaceful. Turn on some music. It stops. I look down.
“Your account is in use by another device.”
6:29 Hi Dad
6:29 Did you just punt me from my music?
I sign in again. Listen to half a song. It stops.
“Your account is in use by another user.”
6:36 Hi Dad
6:37 Stop logging me off of Rhapsody! Do your homework!
6:38 But this song is so good!
I log back in. I am bumped off. #*&^*#%*&&#^((@*&^#.
6:41 It’s not me! I think it must be Ben.
6:39 I get back an emoji of the vulcan salute
6:39 Are you on Rhapsody?
6:40 Let me remind everybody of rule #1. I control the music.
I log back in. It stops.
“Account is in use by another user.”
I am at Costco. Text Polly.
11:14 What do we need?
11:17 You are not allowed to be at Costco unchaperoned
11:18 That’s why I didn’t tell you I was going to Costco. I found LED lights for the toilet. Like undercarriage lights.
11:25 I just found a ping pong ball holder
11:27 You mean, instead of a bowl?
11:35 Do we need more tuna?
11:36 Nobody needs more tuna
11:37 The disco toilet lights are awesome
Ben finds out I am at Coscto.
11:45 Can you keep an eye out for anything that might be useful to me
11:47 I found a “listen to your parents” button
11:47 I don’t think that is as useful as you think it is
11:47 It doesn’t seem to be working
4:22 Griffin did you use my deodorant?
4:31 What did you do to it?
4:32 It fell into some toothpaste so I washed it but it still smelled like toothpaste so I cut it off with some scissors
4:38 Who cuts off deodorant with scissors? It looks like a sand castle.
We actually went to Italy this summer, which was pretty cool. We almost made it through security.
“Where’s Christian?” (the little one)
“His backpack got flagged.”
We all look over to see Homeland security shaking what looks like a 400 yr old teddy bear leaking sand all over the floor.
Christian looks over and shrugs.
The Roman Forum
“I know a good spot.”
“Dad, can’t we just go in?”
“It’s 98 degrees and there are 200 people in line.”
We are on a side road with our noses pressed into a chain link fence.
“See, so that’s the Roman Forum. Ok. Time to go.”
Ben looks at me.
“How’d you ever get a job at a tour company?”
Thankfully, Christian doesn’t yet have a phone. He makes up for it in volume. Both decibel level and sheer quantity of inane actions. After watching Michael Moore’s latest movie Christian pointed out that he would be perfectly comfortable going to prison in Norway.
Ben turned 18 which I think officially designates him as a real person. Hopefully some higher ed institution will agree. Ben’s brothers basically allocated their college votes based on whether they thought the tour guide was cute and on how many choices for breakfast cereal they were presented.
Polly has taken on the town’s Robin Hood role. Her organization raises money on one side and redistributes it to non-profits on the other. She is much better at it than Cooper who somehow buys 20 discount cards to raise money for the soccer team and then tells me that we are the proud owners of 20 discount cards for the soccer team.
Happy Holidays and very happy wishes for the new year! As I am punctuating this final sentence a football just shot past my head and knocked Elf on the Shelf into my coffee. I think Elf is going to look like he has had some rugged years.
Happy Holidays to all!